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In a recent sauna discussion, Amon, as we came to know him, shared a story about the early days of his relationship. It was a long-distance relationship—his girlfriend lived in Kampala, while he had just landed a decent job in Mbarara. She had a habit of making surprise visits, which, despite being well-intentioned, caused significant financial stress for Amon.
When someone visits, social etiquette requires them to inform the host in advance. This allows the host to prepare for their arrival and departure. However, every time Amon tried to ask his girlfriend when she planned to leave, she would respond with a guilt-inducing, "Why? Do you want me to go? Are you chasing me away?" This kind of response, a form of emotional blackmail, made Amon hesitant to ask again.
Amon often had his budget of 100k planned to last a week, but with his girlfriend's indefinite stay, he would overspend and end up borrowing money. Her refusal to communicate her plans made him feel like he was walking on eggshells, and it killed the vibe between them. This is a common issue in many relationships.
The Importance of Honest Communication
If people were honest and straightforward with each other from the beginning, relationships would be much simpler. However, honesty often sounds offensive. Many women say they prefer men to be honest about their intentions, whether it's just for sex or a serious relationship, so they can make informed decisions. But how many men would be successful if they openly told women that all they wanted was a one-night stand?
Openly telling a woman, "I just want to have sex with you and then run away," sounds offensive and is hard for a man to say because it also feels shameful. Many women admit they love sex as much as men, but they leave the task of initiating to men. However, openly asking for sex sounds offensive, so men often take the long way around—buying gifts, showing care, and other gestures—when all they want is sex. Once they get it, the gifts and care often diminish, leaving the woman wondering what happened.
Asking the Crucial Questions
When starting a relationship, crucial questions are often avoided because they sound offensive and uncomfortable. Very few people take the initiative to ask about preferences for protected or unprotected sex, family planning methods, or who should be responsible in case of pregnancy. These discussions, however uncomfortable they are, they are necessary.
Unprotected sex can lead to pregnancies and diseases, contributing to the increase in deadbeat or runaway dads. Many couples never discuss whether they should use contraception, whether the woman is on birth control, or what they would do in case of pregnancy. Without these conversations, they may find themselves facing unexpected consequences, like an unplanned child, which the man may not have wanted.
The Financial Issue
Finance is a topic that rarely gets discussed, yet it’s important. Many people are not honest about their intentions. Forget love; a significant percentage of people in relationships actually don’t even love themselves. Most people are in relationships for survival, with each person wanting someone to take care of them.
If you sit down with many women, they would tell you that all they wanted was a man with enough financial muscle to take care of their bills and even take care of their children. But it’s always disguised as love. For men, all they are looking for is someone to do certain types of chores for them, mostly home chores like cooking, washing, and cleaning. They often claim they want "submission." How easy is it for a woman to stand up and tell a man directly that she doesn’t love him and just wants him to take care of her and her expenses? Sounds offensive and uncomfortable to say, right?
Egos
Ego is one of the most complex issues humans find themselves with. Most people build certain imaginations of who they are or who they think they should be, and then let it guide them even in their relationships. A man might imagine that, as the man of the house, a woman should submit to him. In this case, it’s normally about bowing to his commands and demands when he wants what he wants. People driven by egos are hard to deal with. Sitting down to have a chat with them feels like you are disrespecting them. They want you to do what they want, not to ask why.
Open and honest communication is crucial for a healthy relationship. Avoiding difficult questions may seem easier, but it often leads to misunderstandings, resentment, and unintended consequences. By fostering a culture of honesty and straightforwardness, couples can navigate their relationships more effectively and avoid many common pitfalls.
By Dickens Tiharihondijo
