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It hurts deeply that he doesn’t see me as an equal, despite my intelligence, education, and capabilities
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My husband (28M) and I (30F) have been together for 4.5 years, married for 2.5. We both have full-time professional jobs in tech, but I’ve always taken on the bulk of household and life responsibilities—cleaning, cooking, managing finances, handling healthcare, and organizing our social life.
I was never entirely happy with this imbalance, but I believed he was genuinely trying to change. Whenever I brought it up, he would acknowledge the issue and promise to contribute more.
Fast forward to this summer when my in-laws visited. I hadn’t seen them since before we got married, and they arrived with strong opinions about what my role as a wife should be—essentially, taking care of everything at home. After their visit, everything changed. My husband now says he wants a "traditional" wife—one who doesn’t work, takes care of all household duties, and, in the future, raises our kids. His reasoning? He wants to be free from any responsibilities once he’s home from work.
The problem is, I love my job and my career. That doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to contribute at home—I just want an equal partnership. He admitted that I’ve shouldered most of the responsibilities so far, which has led to stress and frustration on my part.
He insists that he supports my career but believes I "shouldn’t have to work." When I pointed out that we currently can’t afford our lifestyle without my income (I earn about 50% more than he does), he said that my working now is just a stepping stone to a future where he is the sole provider and I become a full-time homemaker. He even apologized for misleading me in the past about what he wanted in a marriage.
I love him dearly, and before this shift, I was truly happy with him. But I don’t see how we can move forward if he is set on this "traditional" role for me. I’m not asking him to sacrifice anything—just to contribute equally at home. But he expects me to eventually give up my career, my ambitions, and the fulfillment I get from my work.
It hurts deeply that he doesn’t see me as an equal, despite my intelligence, education, and capabilities. To him, I’m simply the person who should take care of him and our future children.
We’ve been distant for weeks now. A part of me knows our opposing views might be irreconcilable, but another part of me just wants things to go back to how they were. I miss feeling close to him, and I can’t stop crying.
How do I navigate this? Is there a way to work through such a fundamental difference?
