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By Angabirwe Comfort (Comfie)
It’s a phrase we’ve all heard, perhaps even said ourselves: “If he ever raises his hand at me, I’ll just leave.” Or, “If she cheats, I’ll pack my bags and walk out without a second thought.” On the surface, it sounds simple—empowering, even. But for victims of intimate partner violence or abuse, the reality is far more complicated.
I’ve seen it time and time again: people blaming abuse victims for not leaving, as if walking away were as easy as stepping out of a room. They say things like, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” or “If it were me, I wouldn’t tolerate that.” But when these same people find themselves in abusive situations, their legs seem to freeze, their bags remain unpacked, and the door feels impossibly far away.
The truth is, leaving an abusive relationship is rarely as straightforward as it seems. Victims often justify their abuser’s actions, defend them, and shy away from help. They blame themselves, cover up the abuse, and prioritize their abuser’s needs over their own. I’m reminded of a neighbor from my childhood who was beaten black and blue by her husband because she refused to slaughter one of their son’s chickens. When asked about her injuries, she claimed she had knocked herself against the wall. Even as a child, I knew that explanation didn’t add up. The wall would have crumbled long before she could have sustained such injuries.
Most Abuse victims blame themselves, cover up the abuse, and prioritize their abuser’s needs over their own (Picture imagined by Meta AI)
What many fail to understand is the psychological grip of abuse. Repeated cycles of abuse, whether accompanied by moments of kindness or not, create a deep emotional attachment known as a trauma bond. When this occurs between partners, it’s called a trauma-bonded relationship. This bond is not born out of love but out of manipulation, fear, and dependency.
The cycle often begins with love bombing—an overwhelming display of affection, attention, and promises that make the victim feel cherished and secure. The abuser appears reliable and trustworthy, creating a sense of dependency. But this phase is short-lived. It’s soon followed by criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting. The abuser twists reality, making the victim question their own perceptions and believe the conflict is their fault.
Over time, the victim resigns themselves to the situation. They give in to the abuser’s demands, adopting coping mechanisms to avoid conflict or appease their partner. By this point, they’re aware of the abuse but struggle to recognize its full extent or take steps to change their circumstances. Seeking help or walking away feels impossible.
The final stages involve a loss of self and a form of addiction to the relationship. Throughout this cycle, there are moments of heightened emotions—brief periods of relief or affection that victims misinterpret as true love. These fleeting moments of “normalcy” make the cycle even harder to break.
This is why telling a victim to “just leave” is not only unhelpful but also dismissive of the complex psychological and emotional barriers they face. Abuse strips victims of their autonomy, self-worth, and ability to see a way out. It’s not as simple as packing a bag and walking out the door.
Instead of blaming victims or offering simplistic solutions, we need to approach the issue with empathy and understanding. We must recognize the power of trauma bonds and the insidious nature of abuse. Supporting victims means providing safe spaces, resources, and nonjudgmental listening. It means helping them rebuild their sense of self and empowering them to make their own decisions when they’re ready.
So, the next time you hear someone say, “I would just leave,” remember that it’s never that simple. Abuse is a labyrinth, and escaping it requires more than just the will to walk away. It requires compassion, patience, and a collective effort to break the cycle.
The writer is a clinician
