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Exes have a tendency to idealise the past and forget the real reasons the relationship didn't work
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Many times, we find ourselves getting back to our exes that we had separated with sometime back. However, a relationship expert has revealed why you shouldn't go back to someone after a breakup - with only a few exceptions to the rule.
Speaking to Torch Media Africa, dating coach and counsellor Hillary Jude from Judith Pillars said that in most cases, there are valid reasons the relationship ended the first time - whether it was incompatibility, trust issues, constant conflict, or simply growing apart. "Trying to rekindle that flame often just leads to repeating the same negative patterns and disappointments," he added.
"Exes have a tendency to idealise the past and forget the real reasons the relationship didn't work. It's easy to romanticise the good times and convince yourself 'things will be different this time.' But the reality is, people and situations rarely change that dramatically. Unresolved problems have a way of resurfacing, often worse than before."
However, Hillary said that there can be exceptions to the rule - namely, if both partners have done significant personal growth and healing since the breakup. He explained that the two people in question need to be approaching a potential reconciliation with maturity, self-awareness, and a clear vision for how to create a healthier dynamic. "Couples counseling can also be immensely helpful in this process," he suggested.
"Ultimately, getting back with an ex is a very personal decision. But I'd caution anyone considering it to be brutally honest with themselves about what went wrong, whether those issues have truly been resolved, and if you both have the emotional maturity to build something sustainable this time around. Rushing into it without that level of reflection and readiness usually just leads to repeating the same cycles of pain."
He also said that timing is one of the most important things in any romantic relationship. The key is finding the right person at the right time for something to work well.
"You could be with your perfect person, but if the timing is wrong for either of you, it just won't work. As we evolve and change over time, so does our wishlist of what we want in a partner. Something that you wanted 10 years ago is unlikely to fulfill you today. This evolution in personal growth and aspiration means that rekindling an old flame doesn't always result in a harmonious reunion.
He advised: "Getting back with an ex can bring up old emotions and unresolved pain. It's important to think about whether you are prepared to deal with these feelings. Being open and honest with each other and with themselves is key. Without this, getting back with an ex is likely to fall into the same traps that caused the breakup in the first place."
Annabelle Kukunda, sex and relationship expert in Mbarara, added that it's important to hone in on why you may be tempted to go back to an ex. "Rekindling the flame based on loneliness or missing the good times you shared isn't a solid foundation for a strong long-term relationship, and there may even be resentment lying in wait depending on how the breakup occurred," she urged. "Consider if you've both grown or changed since the breakup; getting back together just to avoid being single can hinder your chance to find someone who actually complements you. It's important to take time to reflect and heal before diving back into something that feels comfortable."
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